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The most fitting phrase for my life right now   
11:14am 14/05/2008
  If I didn't like it, why do I miss it?

Today is the last day of my first year of college, and instead of cramming for my psych final I'm updating my livejournal, which is fine. I'm probably going to fail these last two exams, and I honestly don't care. My psych book would probably tell you that I am exhibiting a self-serving bias an using a self-handicapping strategy, but it can fuck itself. I really just need to be done. I am tempted to just fill in random bubbles at this point.

It's so weird to me that this was my freshman year of college, that much anticipated time. There was so much stuff that happened that I can not even explain. I can not possibly fill people in on what has been going on this year. I think that's why people drift after high school. I'm so different now.

There are so many things I want to say to people, It's overwhelming.

I was afraid that you hadn't changed, and I was right. I will never doubt my instincts.

I don't understand why I only like you when you are drunk enough. Does this mean I've been wrong to not like you sober?

If I had never met you my life would be easier.
If you had never showed up I would be happier, but I can't be mad because that is the type of person that I want to be.

You are very, very weird.		  
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12:30am 03/04/2008
  What the fuck is my life?

I can't wait to be done with school. I have zero motivation. Its disgusting.

I kind of got a job today. Im pretty jazzed. I love when things happen to me in interesting ways.

It's frusturating that the universe seems to be trying to prove a point to me that I already get. I think I was a happier person before I grew a conscience. Fuck karma. Now that Im finally trying to be good its like nothing ever works in my favor. It's official. I'm destined to be alone.

I thought that going to college would give me a second home. Instead, I feel like I dont really belong anywhere.

I'm really not used to feeling like I'm unwanted. I don't like it when people are indifferent to me.

You've never made me feel worthless before, that's what makes me saddest of all.		  
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12:38pm 10/02/2008
  I wish that I didnt make bad choices. I wish that it wasn't so easy to get into clubs. I wish that I could want to go home, but most I just wish I didnt make bad choices. I didnt get back to my dorm until 6:30 this morning. I just hope to god that I don't get sick. That would be the worst possible thing that could happen right now. I did, however, get new shoes, which is a positive.  
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07:38pm 08/01/2008
  Someone told me that I should stop caring what other people think of me. That really pissed me off.

As I browse over peoples' away messages, I cant help but notice how many of them are about love. Is this because people are in love or in infatuation or want love or what?

The end of this week is looking very good, and it makes me nervous. I feel like things cant possibly be going totally well, and they arent, but you know what I mean. Its the whole too good to be true type of situation.

I feel like what is happening here is exactly what I was afraid of. im in a akward limbo. Im not content at home, but the thought of going back to school does not exactly appeal either...so that sucks. Thats probably why traveling is so appealing right now. Settling down anywhere just scares me.

My horoscope today said that I should anticipate the death of a relationship. I will have to end something for good...I dont know how I feel about this...I dont know what if refers to for sure. I wish I didnt buy into these things.

I remember one time when Sarah and I went running around Lincoln Field screaming because we were so frusturated with college apps. I feel like doing that right now, but I know I wont. Last time I told someone about that they looked at me like I was crazy.

Peets is a fifth level of hell.
Im pretty sure am developing insomnia.
Since I have gotten home, I have only had one night without a nightmare.
I wish I could remember what I said.
I wish you would answer me.
I wish I were consistent.
I wish I were fluid in Spanish.
I think I'm getting uglier.
Sometimes saying things out loud helps me realize what I mean, shes right, Its like Im testing it out.
If you cant picture your future, does it mean you don't have one?
I'm not emo, I swear.

I miss people that I did not expect to miss.		  
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01:14am 08/01/2008
  You think you're a romantic
you said you do
It sounds awfully nice before you think it through
If you want my opinion
or care to know my mind
Always being in the moment leaves the rest behind

There's more to romancing than violins and kisses
Theres more to slow dancing than cheek to cheek
And if you knew the world as I do
Then you would see
Leave the romance to the birds
and save the love for me
oh, leave the romance to the birds but save the love for me

If you search around for pretty moments,
all you'll find is glass
you thought that I could be your cyrstal
when we were lying in the grass
but ive told you on each gust of wind
and every turning leaf
crystals cant be found in eyes
theyre buried deep beneath
There's more to romancing than violins and kisses
Theres more to slow dancing than cheek to cheek
And if you knew the world as I do
Then you would see
Leave the romance to the birds
and save the love for me
oh, leave the romance to the birds but save the love for me

If you'd only listened
just opened up your ears
you molded me into the absence of your tears
if you had only let me be that thing I am
you'd see that Im not worth it
I dont give a damn

There's more to romancing than violins and kisses
Theres more to slow dancing than cheek to cheek
And if you knew the world as I do
Then you would see
Leave the romance to the birds
and save the love for me
oh, leave the romance to the birds but save the love for me		  
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05:00pm 06/01/2008
  t\Today my grandma told me that I have Gypsy blood in me. I think that suits me.  
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12:12am 20/12/2007
  I want nothing more than to fall in love. Really in love. I want the fairy tale thing. I dont know why I make it so hard for myself...


I always get a little confused when people ask me why I feel a certain way... I just do. What more is there to it? I've never really felt in words, but rather in feelings. They just are. why rationalize them?


I feel like I'm living two lives. I feel like I'm going crazy.		  
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01:57pm 18/12/2007
  I actually feel like I learned something at college. It feels great.  
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happ happy happy holidays   
08:47pm 17/12/2007
  Why, why, why do I have no motivation? I have a politics final tomorrow which I havent dont a reading for since the midterm, and Im not even nervous. Mind you, I am a beast at bullshitting things, but honestly...

Festiveness is excellent. Finals are not. Trains are ok. Packing is subtly exciting. Showers should never end. Coffee is hard to give up.

See y'all tomorrow!		  
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theres a smiley face in my hot chocolate   
11:18pm 16/12/2007
  I went to the mall today. Usually, malls upset me. Today, however, I could've stayed there forever, not shopping or anything, just standing there. It was so croweded and everyone was just bustling about. I felt so invisible. It was nice.


I hate change.		  
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12:20am 08/12/2007
  ha. hahaha. ha. I forgot how much I despise Lexington. hahahaha. wow. I just want to thank all of those douche bags out there for reminding me. haha. I hate high school kids (not all of them). I hate gossip. I hate drama. I hate people who are judgmental. ha. good fucking riddance. eat shit. thank you very much. I have a new home now, and a new life and a new sense of self and new ideals and, while there are certainly people that I miss, I'm mostly just glad that a lot of people are out of it all.



Nobody knows me. I don't understand why you talk about me if you don't know me.		  
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09:59pm 01/12/2007
  New Brunswick is so cute. It's such a crappy town, but they try so hard. They decordated it all with lights and wreaths and it's just so cute. It's so much better than a nice town with decorations. It just means more this way.



I'm sick. sick sick sick. Its poop.

I hate all-female choir.

I hate that this feels like a personal failure.

I love that I know. hehe.		  
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too much dying.   
11:42am 26/11/2007
 
mood: complacent
I have a lot of regrets. I do. But I don't think it's fair that there's apparently something wrong with drinking once in a while, as long as I'm not blacking out or getting sick. I don't see why that makes me a worse person than I was before. I really don't.

I am SO glad to be back at school. Being home does weird things to me. I thought that being at school was weird because, while I love it, I missed my old life more. However, I now realize that being back, and feeling like everything new was just a dream, is horrifying. Maybe I'm just running away, but I feel like nothing ever really changes in that place, and there's nothing I can do to change it, and so I guess the only thing left to do is to run away and change myself. I don't think that that's actually as bad as it sounds.



You hurt me too-just think about that. You know what I mean and do not mean. You know what I think. I'm pretty sure that your inability to forgive is not because you actually are hurt, but really because you have been looking for an excuse to be over it all. That hurts a lot more.


Last week two people that I have known for a while died. They were completely unrelated incidences, but happened within days of one another. I have been thinking about them a lot. I have been thinking about how easily life can end. I haven't really been able to grieve, because it hasn't really hit me yet. I think I'm going to snap at some point. I also don't think that the pursuit of happiness is ever in vain.

I am becoming a far more emotional person.

I have been having dreams about issues that have long since died. weird.

'Went to the Bethesda Fountain with Mira yesterday. It was incredibly beautiful. I know that that place is going to be very important to me now. Central park is everything that it's cracked up to be.

Please, come home. I need you.


With liquid headlights
Moving down the highways
And I'm sitting here
Thinking
How lucky I am
How lucky I have been
And I want to take this time to thank you all so dearly.


I'm gonna go make some soup.		  
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01:12am 17/10/2007
  "Less Than A Heartbeat"

A million people walk right by you everyday

They never stop
They never stay

At best you'll be a background
in their sanitary lives
No moment
No long-dreaded goodbye

And there she is
just watching
As if you're made of gold
She looks at you with diamonds
Oggling your stone, your cold

Then in the night you whispered to her
softened her with bliss
You scratched the diamond
and you polished it off with a kiss

From which she told you
glowing
That you need just say the word
be it heart you want, or heat
Just snap your fingers and she'd be there
in less than a heartbeat

How, please tell me how
you simply walked away?
How when all the world is brushing
past you every day

We don't all have a diamond
waiting for our fingers
still, you dismiss her gaze
and leave is where it lingers

From which she told you
glowing
That you need just say the word
be it heart you want, or heat
Just snap your fingers and she'd be there
in less than a heartbeat

But here's what you've forgotten,
a detail overlooked:
That you are not a diamond
No, you're not of the rough
You're nothing but zirconia
and while it may look nice
It's simply cheap, synthetic stuff
It may as well be ice

A diamond is forever
A diamond never fades
But you're so busy polishing
yourself
it ran away

From which she told you
glowing
That you need just say the word
be it heart you want, or heat
Just snap your fingers and she'd be there
in less than a heartbeat		  
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12:31am 17/09/2007
  its funny because we try so hard to touch people in that way that makes unforgettable or special to them. yet it seems it is in those few times that we dont try that we actually make an impact.




i feel like im already a different person than i was 2 weeks ago.		  
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09:20am 31/08/2007
  My school address:

Christina Kugel
Rutgers University
33078 RPO way
New Brunswick, NJ
08901-8830		  
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The dust has only just begun to form crop circles in the carpet   
12:49am 31/08/2007
  "Where are we? What the hell is going on?"



Tonight I had to say goodbye to two people that are going to be completely unreachable to me for a very long time. There were more people that I needed to see, but i couldnt get myself to answer the phone or leave my house. I can't handle that.

i did cry, but only when no one was looking, only after you left.



I have a lot of people that I need to address is one way or another before i head out. I need to have some type of closure on whatever our relationship may be or has been. All in good time I suppose.


I met someone really great, and even if they didn't make everything better, they did make me realize that I'm better than I think I am some times, and that I can deserve good things too. It figures that I'd finally meet a good guy right before I had to leave. Who knows, maybe it only worked because I knew it would end. It could be, but I don't think so.


So anyway Lexington, this is my final farewell. I am officially moving out, moving on. I am starting over. I am a no one all over again. The nostalgic way that I feel makes me have a sense of tenderness towards your soft edges and safe streets. I will miss the way the sun hits the green in that vibrant way that it does, and the way there are a few too many crazys in the center all the time. I'll miss the friends I made and lost. But it was time. It has been time for a very long while for me to leave some of the emptiness I felt here behind. I am forced to give in to the slow depletion of my past into my memory. We will all still come back and search for those familiar feelings, but gradually they will be less and less familiar, until they are nothing but images that the memory recalls when recounting what it knows happened but has little connectiion with. I'm sorry. I digress. Goodbye, Lexington. I won't lie. I'm very scared.



I annoy myself in this post.		  
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Pet Peeves   
05:24pm 29/06/2007
  I have some new pet peeves. Ive always had a lot, but these ones seem much larger in scale. I have realized that my problem with people is not when they do annoying, immature, or stupid things, but rather when they do those things and then try to cover them up, or pass them off as something else. I just hate how fucking transparent people can be. if ur gonna be immature or cocky, just fucking do it. we all understand. we all do dumb shit. i dunno if this makes sense.

the other thing that is bothering me is people that are "passionate" about things because its trendy. i feel as if few people around me are actually passionate about what they say that theyre passionate about. I can't stand it. maybe its also they transparency thing. when i think about it all, and all the people that pretend to care about things i feel sick to my stomach. i can think of so many examples.

i am getting sick of floating. i really need something secure. i really need to stop feeling like im watching. i hate feeling like this, but i have decided to do nothin about it because it is just so useless.

i miss OC.

yesterday i was driving and thinking of the letter that i would write to them before i left. i have to write something, i guess. when i got to the end of my mental letter, i thought 'good luck in the rest of your life'. and i started crying. very unexpectedly. i took myself so off guard. i really thought i didnt care. fooled myself again. i just really dont get the whole thing.


i knew you weren't what you thought you were, but the thing is, you still disappointed me. I know now that you are definitely just another boy. It doesnt bother much more than the fact that i was hoping that maybe there were some people that were a little different.


i miss people that i havent even met. i miss the thought of people. how odd.		  
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11:49pm 13/06/2007
  I am so fucking excited to go to college and get away from here. there is way to much drama. there are definitely people that i'll miss, but i still am just so excited.




normal things.


all night grad party was awesome. prom was awesome. facebook is not awesome.



there are people that i want to be friends with, and time is running out.


i dont know why he so misuderstands what it means to be a friend...she has no idea what she's gotten herself into.		  
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09:59pm 13/05/2007
  for the record, im not a troubled person, i just only ever feel like updating livejournal when i'm in a bad mood.



I have realized that everything is so incredibly cyclical. It is becoming so apparent as high school draws to an end.



If I have snapped at you this past week I am sorry. I have been in a very forthright mood and I have just been sayin whatever is on my mind and i think Ive been coming off as a bitch. SO anyway, i'm really sorry if ive been a bitch. However, you may want to take this rare oportunity and listen to what i have said, because i will rarely be this blunt. And I havent said anything that I didnt mean.


I will murder Ms. Buckus if it is the last thing I do. I can't even go to her for extra-help because I know that I will snap.		  
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qtkrise37
 
 
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